Sunday, November 11, 2012

Tears, Tubes, Texts and Tunnels

Blog entry number two. I feel like the girl looking into the camera on Blair Witch Project snotting and snivveling while she tells about her goings ons. There have been a few mini break downs since Friday. #1 was while J and I were waiting for me to be taken back to the OR. I thought, am I doing the right thing? The right thing for me, you and our family? "If it wasn't meant to be it wouldn't happen," J said. He kissed me and wiped away my tears and I was wisked away.
Waking up, nausea was horrible, and the gas pain in my left shoulder put both c-sections to shame. My upper abdomen was terriblysore but nothing compared to those two surgeries. I'm going to spare you what I saw around me in the recovery room, but I was faring better than most of the people waking up around me. J was waiting on me to come back to the room, along with mom, James and my stepmom. If the gas pains and nausea were hell, Dilaudid and Zofran were heaven.

Friday and Friday night are kinda blurry. I was up walking like a champ, burping like a pro. (both of which are very important) My IV infiltrated sometime during the night, so I woke up to a very painful, swollen hand and had to be stuck again. I had my second mini melt down when it was just me and J alone in the room, again questioning if my choice had been the right one.. Again, j reassures me, and does it with a smile while in return asks me if there is anything he can get me.

Saturday, catheter out. Up and down, up and down, all day saturday. Feeling good. Blowing the other patients out of the water. All the while I'm getting reglan, zofran and acetaminophen (yep, Tylenol..GB patients can't have NSAIDS such as ibuprofen...) thru my IV. I felt like I could actually do this. Talk to the dr, surgery went perfect, labs look good.  Saturday night, J goes out to the car to find a flat tire. Yay. He spends two hours in the dark parking lot patching my tire where I had ran over a nail....I can't help but wonder why these things keep happening..(I'm no Job) Again, I was reassured:)

This morning, IV out. More and more walking. Maybe to the point where I over did it. Home around 1:00 or so. Up down, up down. Now I know I def. over did it. Both boys come home and I can't really bend down to kiss them or  lift them up to sit on my lap. Over 12 hours with nothing for pain, drain tube still hanging in there somewhere and now I'm wanting nothing more than to lay flat in my comfortable bed, but can't do that either. Stomach muscles won't let me. I ate my last full meal on Wednesday night, drank clear liquids on Thursday, and have survived on 30 cc cups of ice until I got home today, when I graduated to 30 cc cups of Protein shakes, water and broth. I'll be on liquids for a week. I'm not neccessarily hungry, but just from the short time I've been home I've come to loathe Poppa John's Commercials and hate baskin robbins and all their flavors. All that still looks really good. Mini melt down time.......again.....a lot of what ifs come up. Maybes come up too. If I had it to do over again based on these 3 blurs of days would I? I'm having trouble seeing past the now into the big picture. J always has the right words to make me feel better and to make sense of the moment....again I'm reassured. And I come to realize some things on my own.

Thru these three days, all the tears cried, drainage tubes, texts from all the family and friends I didn't realize cared so much, I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only seeing the long black trains coming my way. I have to look past the now to the future. Isn't that what I'm doing this for after all? Even though I probably won't get any sleep tonight, or tommorrow night or..etc, etc, I have to look at the long term, and be thankful for it all, because without all of it, I wouldn't appreciate where I'm going, or all the work it took to get there. One year from now, I hope to be blogging about looking back on my journalling and feel something I don't feel very often. Satisfaction.

I love you, Justin, with all my heart, soul and mind!

...and fellow bloggers, will blogging ever feel like anything other than alot of random ramblings?:)